If you are attending an Indian wedding for the first time, you might be overwhelmed. Seriously overwhelmed. Or terrified. Even though we all love Indian weddings, they can truly take a toll on your mental sanity.
I was thinking about all the fun/crazy/pretty/crazy/insert-adjective-here elements of a wedding, and I came up with a list. Now, this list might be a bit crude and is not totally politically correct. But, don’t be offended, it’s meant to make you laugh. And don’t be terrified either, you will love Indian weddings as a guest. Trust me.
And when I say Indian weddings, you can pretty much substitute this for Pakistani weddings, Sri Lankan weddings, or any South Asian wedding in general. We are all a bunch of awesome folks hanging out on the subcontinent of Asia.
- There is so much food, your eyeballs might explode. Prepare to loosen that drawstring on your salwar and open those belt holes a bit. You don’t stand a chance against those food stalls of deliciousness. Biryani? Check. Gulab Jamun? Check. Pizza? Check. Samosas? Check. Dosas? Check. High cholesterol. Check, check.
- You always think planning a wedding is hard. Then you go to a five day Indian wedding and realize planning a five hour event for one day is a piece of cake.
- There are lots of people at an Indian wedding. Like so many people, you might think a mosh will start. There may even be elephants or peacocks or horses. Try not to confuse the wedding with a zoo.
- Do not expose your boobs or any part thereof. Keep an eye on your boobs at all times. They tend to attract unwanted attention of creepy uncles and snickering aunties. Boobs should be stored safely in a bra and high cut top.
- Whatever the posted time is for an event, add one hour. Or two, or three hours. Functions rarely start on time. Unless it is Mururth (the official time a couple gets married), that you don’t fuck up.
- Go big or go home. Indian women wear their finest at weddings. You won’t see a shortage of gold. You can expect an Indian wedding to be the place for the world’s largest gold exposition, minus the selling part. So don’t feel bad about those cubic zirconia (American diamond) earrings you’re wearing, no one will notice you. Okay, feel bad.
- As a guest to the wedding, you will know two people: the bride and the groom. If you are lucky, you may know the bride’s parents or the groom’s. If you ARE the bride or groom, you will know four people at the wedding: the person you’re marrying, his/her parents, and yourself. Scratch that. You might not even know the person you are marrying.
- There is no queue when it comes to food. It is a mass stampede only survived by the strongest and most fearsome veteran wedding goers. If you must stand in a queue, please go stand in a corner.
- When you give a gift of money (or gift certificates), add $1 to the amount. So give $51, $101, $151… Odd numbers ending in one are auspicious. Why? Because it is.
- There is no such thing as being too colorful at an Indian wedding; unless you wear a Grateful Dead shirt.
- Indian weddings, like most South Asian weddings, are about the family. If you think it’s about the couple, you are at the wrong wedding.
- Some families, those with so much money they mint their own $10,000 bills, think helicopters and Rolles Royces are appropriate wedding presents. But they will still serve you food on styrofoam plates with plastic utensils. Don’t be offended, they sure aren’t.
- Seriously, please control your boobage and cleavage at all times. We don’t want to talk shit behind your back unless we have to.
- Wedding crashing in India is a perfectly acceptable way to feed yourself if you are too lazy too cook and too excited to get dressed on the town.
- Never let your guard down and inform people you are single if you are: 1. a woman; 2. over thirty. People will think either something is wrong in your head, or that you are a serial killer.
- If you are: a woman, single, and under 30, you will be married by the end of the wedding events. Finding you a mate will be the mission of every auntie and girl present. If you are concerned that you might not know the groom, see point 7.
- During the wedding ceremony, which can last up to four hours, it is perfectly acceptable to leave, have a cup of chai, eat snacks, and socialize. Instead of boring yourself, Indians have figured out how to optimize a lot of time with everyone’s favorite activities: food, drinks, gossip. It is probably the only time Indians have optimized and utilized the time wisely.
- Have fun. Seriously have fun. Don’t worry about what this list tells you. Indian weddings are insanely fun and the best thing you will do all year long. Feel free to be melancholic that your culture isn’t as awesome.
I couldn’t stop laughing at #13!!! Keep your boobs in place!
Aha! I am # 14 man.
Typical Indian wedding, more than 500-1000+ people are attending over 3-4 hr period.
Nobody knows nobody.
Remember name of the bride and groom is written on a big board near the entrance. If someone ask you which side you are (bride or groom). Ask return question-which side they are? If they are from the bride side, you are from groom side. or vice versa.
Make sure wear good clothes. Tie and suit is better.
People think you are someone important from other side of the family. They will treat you nicely.
Let them take lot of your pictures.
Typically, there are more than 100 food entree’s.
Spread is pretty good.
Crashing wedding at 5 Star hotel is fabulous.
And don’t worry about the gift. Because, typically 50-100 people are standing in line to meet and greet the bride and groom. Who has that kind of time?
Focus on food and alcohol.
That is the reason you were there.
LOL. Couldn’t stop laughing!
LOVE it!
Very immature article and half the things are not even true. You need to get your fact straight about Indian weddings and also grow up
This sooo hilarious!!! I’m of Filipino descent (to be politically correct)and a wedding planner in Arizona who niches in Hindu/ SouthAsian weddings. Mind you, the MOB (mother of the bride) tried to set me up with one of her co-worker’s son!!! Too funny!!! Thanks for sharing!
-jo ann-
@Jo Ann – Omgosh, that’s too funny! Do you have fun planning South Asian weddings?
WHEN DID YOU LAST ATTEND AN INDIAN WEDDING ???
Thank goodness for water-proof mascara!! I can’t stop laughing!!!
To Raj-Please tell them which half of things are not even true and which half are true (water glass half full or half empty syndrome.
Hopefully they will grow up and understand.
But meanwhile, develop some sense of humor and get a life.
hahah!!! Loved this! I can relate to each and everything mentioned here. Indian weddings rock!
Article clearly written by American born confused desi! Don’t fit in India or America haha! Get your facts straight about both cultures first!
Grow up Ass! Your thoughts about Indian wedding are incorrect.
Point #13 hiding boobs is a good idea in public not just at Indian weddings. If you want to show, don’t show blame the onlooker. Besides that this was really funny. #19 , Indians love to sing and dance. What a great way to burn up the calories!
*Muhurt
Most of things are meaning less…!(may be just for fun) but this is not actually Indian wedding means.
Ravi, Raj, Shreya,
Don’t do half ass job.
If you are going to complain that get the facts straight, then tell where the facts are not true.
A typical Indian, just complains but does nothing else.
Because, you don’t know the truth.
Otherwise, get a life.
Well I saw a couple of people saying some points were wrong.
Well first there is no standard operating procedure when it comes to weddings in India and its so diverse and a lot of permutations and combinations possible hence people opposing, it’s just a fun article, just read, have a laugh and move on; because its practically impossible to write an article with points which will fit right for all types of variants of Indian weddings with different regional, religious and other differences in style the nation has.
Who the Hell is this author. If you don’t understand culture try not to open your mouth.
Who the hell are you. its about his cultural experiences just because they may not correlate with yours doesn’t mean they are wrong. standard Indian mentality to be closed minded .
You forgot to add stealing the grooms shoes. Great write up.
Ravi, Raj, Shreya…………..is there a book called ” get a sense of humour and get a life”??? if so you should invest in it and if there is not let me know so i will write one knowing i have at least 3 sales!!!
Let’s not forget the mandatory “after-party” following the reception in a conference room in the hotel. It’s standard that everyone under 40 must make an appearance, as well as the 3 token uncles who want to keep drinking.
There is nothing offensive about this article. I find it hilarious. But if you are Indian and have never attended an Indian wedding in America, this article is not funny nor is it for you so get the hell over it.
I attended 4 indian weddings just this year (Punjabi, Telugu, Gujarathi, and a mixed) and at-least 12 indian weddings in the last 4 years and at-least 15 things out of the 18 were spot on and I loved every single wedding. Indian Weddings rock! Thanks for the laughs.
Whoever made a comment about American born confused desis, well the amazing thing about being born in America is that we belong to two countries not just one. There’s actually no question of Indian or American. We have the privilege of being both. And we also have a heck of a lot more acceptance for other’s perceptions and are open minded enough to able to unbiasedly decipher humor vs insult. And what age are you living in that you are still holding on to that social gap? I have friends who I love dearly with and without accents and have for years. But I digress to say this was HILARIOUS!!! Perfect timing especially since my wedding was just last weekend. This even had my mother-in-law cracking up!
AMEN!
It’s not that we can’t differentiate insult from humour.(Yes its HUMOUR). It’s because of that fact that you’re an ABCD that your perception of insult vs humour is also as confused as your existence.
I find the term ABCD absolutely funny. I’m sure you take it as an insult. Hence your rant. You have no sense of belonging to any thing/place/community.
I don’t blame you. It must be lonely.
WOW!! People *CANNOT* take a joke.
That^ aside, awesome article!
[Coming from an open minded guy who grew up in India and now lives in US and has attended Indian weddings in both.]
Great story. Sadly sense of humor is limited in the readers.
All the points mentioned by the author are spot on. This article is a hilarious take on the reality behind Indian weddings. I am an Indian, have attended over a 100 Indian weddings (different regions, different religions included) and I feel that these points apply to EACH AND EVERY one of the weddings.
@ Raj, Kiran , Devyani, Shreya — If you feel these points are incorrect, feel free to pitch in and include what the *correct* version of events are. Else, read, have a laugh, ponder, and move on. Contribute effectively, not ineffectively.
@ Ravi — You must learn to live and let live. The author mentions that this is their take on Indian weddings. If you do not agree, state why, and maintain parliamentary language in public forums. Get a life!
Not at all hilarious……..it is in fact offensive and coming from a person who never attended an Indian wedding!!
So how can you begin to think your opinion is valid when you have nothing to base your own ignorant view on. You’ve never been to an Indian wedding but yet you assume what the author has said is offensive. However most of.the comments are valid and do occur. why do people have to be overly sensitive about everything when someone is just having a laugh about his own culture and sharing a joke with you. get over your selves.
#1 . Indian have to always feel insulted by anything said about them and they love to bitch.
#2 indians hate supporting each other they rather stay set in their own ways and be judgemental instead of forward thinking and open minded.
The 19th thing all should be beware off is we will always find people like “Ravi, Raj, Shreya” aunties in all weddings cribbing,screwing and poking in everybody’s happiness meaninglessly. So as soon as you spot them please run away to make your day memorable 😉
Ignorant. Stereotyped. Ill-informed bullshit.
Get your self an education. I’ll give you 101$.
Ignorant. Ill-informed. Stererotyped bullshit.
Get yourself an education. I’ll give you 101$.
vey hilarious…!!!
but the
author definitely missed the crazy dance in baaraat….!!! 😀
I’m going to marry an Indian woman. I’m not Indian.
hahha whoever the author is deserves a high five and a pat on the back! well done!
also to all those “true indians” if you dont think aunties and uncles judge and glare and girls who dress inappropriately, or that we do always have a surplus of food, give cash gifts ending in 1, go to parties for the food or know all the people invited to your wedding, or that we never start a party on time you must not really be all that indian after all #abcd #fobforever
Nice article Preeti, here’s another amazing article I read about how fun and enjoyable Indian weddings are – http://londondarbar.blogspot.com/2014/05/8-facts-about-indian-weddings.html
The groom’s shoe stealing part is hilarious. 😛