Being South Asian means there is a whole lot of stuff no one ever tells you about. But that’s no reason to not learn to create a happy and fulfilling marriage.
I moved in with my husband before we got married. In a way, it was great, we knew we would get married and the pressure of marriage plus moving in at the same together was not there for us. We already knew each other’s idiosyncrasies and annoyances but still could be happy.
When you move in together, before or after marriage, with someone who’s not of your community, is a terrifying experience. The experience is scary because you are not only afraid of the person, you are afraid of the differences; of the lack of understanding, of the potential of unhappy ever after.
You should be ready for things to fall apart. You should be ready to have lots of differences and arguments. Did you have siblings? Were you always at peace with them? Chances are no. And definitely moving in with someone you didn’t grow up with means you will have issues too.
That is life and acceptable. But the key is to live together in unified way and be satisfied with your life together.
When we moved in together we talked a lot and that was the best thing ever. Looking back here is what we did right and wrong.
Go through your differences – Make a list of how you both are different.
Look at me for example.
Here are the differences between my husband and I:
Me The Swede
Religion: Hindu-Jain Lutheran
Ethnicity: Indian Swedish
Raised in: United States Sweden
Age: Older Younger
Culture: Indian- American Swedish
Chores (good at): Vacuum, laundry Sinks, floors
Idiosyncrasies: Blanket stealer Blanket hog
Late: At everything On time (but late as a Swede!)
Christmas tree: Up after Thanksgiving! Up 3-5 days before Christmas
What about everything else? Make a list of your similarities.
Here is how we are both similar:
- Love sleeping in on the weekend
- Play silly video games
- Go hiking
- Travel – and have no real plans
- Music tastes
- Tease each other
- Love pets
- Political and social ideology
- Love cooking
- Don’t allow people to wear shoes in the home {duh}
- Be blogs and dork out
- Throw dinner parties
- Have people over for impromptu dinners
The list goes on of what we DO have in common. And you will see that you have a lot more in common in the long run that what you give credit to.
Argue, don’t fight – This is something I noticed when living together. Even though we would argue with each other, the next day, we totally forgot and didn’t care what we were arguing about. That was productive, we blew off steam and it did not hurt us.
Of course there have been a few times when we fought and went to bed angry. It is not okay, but you cannot be perfect at everything. You should learn from the experience, apologize (both sides) and move on. We start the next day with hugs, kisses, and “I’m sorry.”
Everyone has baggage, real or otherwise – Everyone has a past, accept it. It may not be covered with gold stars or painted in rainbows but it is their past. You have to respect it. You also have to respect their past may come into your present. Be prepared and talk about it together as as couple not as a jealous partner.
People have ex-girlfriends and ex-boyfriends – Ignorance is not the solution. Learn why your partner broke up and if there are current grievances. Perhaps there is a recent breakup and the ex is still in the picture. It’s uncomfortable to meet an ex or know your partner may still have connections to them (children, real estate) but you need to show your support. If your partner loves you and is dedicated to you, this is not a deal breaker.
Everyone fluffs their pillows differently – That is to say, everyone does the household work differently. He may fold towels twice over and you three times over but the towel is nevertheless folded.
Household chores are for both of you. And doing household chores is not about gender equality, it’s about having clean underwear and tasty food to eat.
The economic theory of division of labor works best. My husband is great at washing the floors, making things in the kitchen disappear and appear neat, and cleaning the bathroom. I like the laundry (though I do need help with carrying laundry up and down in the building), ironing, and vacuuming. We clean the rabbit’s home together as we both wail on him for being a cocoa puff pooping monster.
Nagging, keep it to a minimum – Perhaps I am lucky to be married to someone who grew up knowing doing dishes and cleaning toilets were not just a woman’s duty but a man’s too; the house has to be cleaned. Women are not there to nag, nag and nag some more.
Sometimes you may have to throw out a few nags but if there is a persistent problem, ask why. Do you make him clean when his favorite game is on? Or maybe he loves doing the dishes but you make him vacuum and he hates that.
Your partner may not have the same standards or desire as you to keep the house tidy. You should then talk (not YELL) about coming together on the same page. Explain why you want to have the place cleaner/neater/etc and how both of you can work together to make it happen.
And you need to to compromise too.
Have an open mind – I am agnostic Hindu-Jain and my husband is agnostic Lutheran. Even though I do not practice on a daily basis, I still have a diva and sacred space for the deities. And my husband is cool with that; feels there is a sense of culture and life in our home. Still, I do not make the praying area the center of the room, it is tucked away in a beautiful small space at one end.
We openly discuss religion and how it has or has not affected us growing up and today. We also discuss how we each want the other to be involved in our lives religiously.
Everyone needs peacetime – Be open to what he does to unwind. Does he like to watch football on Sundays in peace? Then why bother him to do something else? Do you like to be disturbed when relaxing at home? Instead, fix up some sandwiches and snacks and learn football (or whatever it is) with him and vice versa?
The worst you can do is exchange peacetime for choretime. That is guarenteed wartime. Pick another hour to do the chores together. Or, tell him that something has to be done but can be completed after his game/event/whatever.
Don’t have kids? Start talking about it – If you both want kids then discuss how you would raise them. This is not the time to argue when to have kids but how to handle kids. People from cultures and religions and heck, every family raises their kids differently.
Questions to think about:
- Will you children be allowed to date? If yes, what age, what conditions? If no, why?
- Do you support competition? How would you foster competition in the household?
- If you child did something wrong, how would they be punished? Time out, spank (remember that’s illegal in many countries), chores, etc.
- Will your children have an allowance?
- Will your children attend religious or cultural school?
- There’s a whole lot more to discuss but it’s meant to be an icebreaker.
In the end, be satisfied you are living with someone you love. And don’t be afraid to be happy. Make pasta, buy furniture to argue about the color, cultivate a garden.
We are all different people. The color of our skin and the religion are just outward ways in which we express ourselves. Who we really are is based on what we do and how we treat others.
Beautiful post! Thank you
Loved the end.
“We are all different people. The color of our skin and the religion are just outward ways in which we express ourselves. Who we really are is based on what we do and how we treat others.”