There are lot of things we here like to advise you brides to do for your wedding. Plan, get primped, have fun, don’t have a complete meltdown.
And on and on.
But we’ve never told you, what to *never ever ever* do as a couple having a wedding and for the guests attending. Seriously, never ever do.
After some thoughtful deliberation and a lot of reminiscing to successful and completely failed weddings I’ve attended (along with the rest of the BFIW team), we’ve got our list of things to never do at an Indian wedding.
And to offer something positive, cuz we don’t want to yell at you like an old auntie, we’ve got some “DO’s” after each “DON’T.” Trust me, you’ll thank us all later.
For the couple:
1. NEVER EVER hire a terrible DJ
I once went to a Desi shindig where the DJ played this weird sort of ambient Indian music (like Enya, but like actually Indian) for the first hour. Needless to say nobody was amused, least of all my dance-happy uncle (how do you dance to chanting?). And after that people kinda milled around listlessly. The dance music only came on later when people were already leaving. Hit and a miss.
The crowd at a South Asian wedding can be really sensitive to the ebb and flow of excitement. The best plan is to take a leaf out of Barney Stinson’s book: “Now, people often think a good mix should rise and fall, but people are wrong. It should be all rise, baby. Now prepare yourselves for an audio journey into the white-hot center of adrenaline!”
DO talk over the set list with your DJ before the event to avoid any lulls of terrible music.
2. NEVER EVER make really long speeches
It’s my experience that keeping a room full of South Asians from eating for longer than 15 minutes is party suicide.
This extends to the priest too. I went to a hilariously embarrassing wedding ceremony where the Hindu priest felt he had to explain to the guests what love was and what it meant (“Mawage is what bwings us togeva today…”). He took about forty-five minutes to just get through that, not counting the actual ceremony. People got fidgety, babies were crying, and the bride had to fake her smile till it hurt (you could tell). Just don’t do it.
DO allow your family and friends to make short and sweet speeches, optimally before the dancing and after the eating. That way everyone can digest their food and what you’re saying.
3. NEVER EVER plan more events than people have time for
The whole two-week long wedding celebration thing is the tradition, I get it. But people nowadays don’t really have the time, energy, or interest to trek out every night of the work week to dance and drink.
DO plan most of your events for the weekend – you can comfortably do the sangeet, wedding, reception, and the rest of the events from Friday to Sunday. That way most people can attend all the events and you don’t lose the momentum of the celebration.
4. NEVER EVER let your smile drop
Weddings are tiring, moms nag, that long-line of guests waiting to greet you looks endless, I understand, but don’t forget to smile. When the photos come back you don’t want to have the best souvenir of your wedding be a big blow-up of you stink-eyeing or mean-mugging. Digital film is forever, and we haven’t invented time-travel yet. Your reason for frowning for a second is perfectly valid, but just wait till the cameraman is gone.
DO remember that vaseline on the teeth keeps your smile pageant perfect. No joke, rub some on your teeth and you won’t be able to move your lips.
5. NEVER EVER go in without an escape plan
Weddings operate by Pókemon battle rules – if you see them and they see you you’re obligated to duke it out with small talk. It’s your wedding so you’re going to get cornered by one annoying guest or another. That’s not to say you don’t love them, it’s just you have a whole bunch of other people you have to say hi to, or your dinner is getting cold, or all you want to do is get on the dance floor and actually celebrate.
DO practice your smiley brush-off. Paste on that gracious smile from #4 and find a good excuse. You can use your mom, your new spouse, or the fact that you’re on the verge of a bathroom emergency to get out of talking to someone and they won’t mind.
For the guests:
6. NEVER EVER drink past your limits
This one is pretty straightforward. Indian, especially Punjabi, weddings tend to host an open bar. This means that as soon as the food is served, you can expect all the uncles are gonna flock to the free booze. Now, uncles and alcohol is usually an ok situation, but combine that with Bollywood music and a dance floor full of small children and barefoot women and you have a possible disaster on your hands. I’ve had to step around many broken highball glasses – it’s like playing minesweeper with your toes. Not fun.
And for the non-uncles, remember that acting ridiculously drunk at someone else’s wedding isn’t cute.
DO have fun, be responsible, and don’t make a scene. You just don’t want to wake up with a Bengal tiger in your hotel room.
7. NEVER EVER EVER tell people you’re single
Like Preeti said, once you let it slip you’ll be getting hounded from all directions. Every auntie all of a sudden has a very nice handsome Indian doctor son/nephew/grandson/someone else’s random relative ready and waiting.
Or, I mean, if you’re in the market for a very nice handsome Indian doctor, by all means tell the gossipiest auntie you can find. She might just hook you up with a dashing Dr. Mohinder Suresh. This is the best place for husband or wife hunting. And this is the best place to become embarrassed about your singledom.
DO not feel the need to be honest about your dating life. Go ahead and slip a ring on your left hand and subtly wave it around when you talk to other wedding guests. It’ll save you time and embarrassment.
8. NEVER EVER talk about meat at a vegetarian wedding
If there’s one thing to be certain about going to a wedding is that the food is required to be awesome. And you, dear wedding guest, will do your best to munch all those tandoori shrimps, slurp down clam chowder, and devourer a steak.
Except, most Indian weddings won’t be serving meat, especially beef or steak or pork. If you’re looking for the steak knife at the table setting, chances are, there won’t be one. If there is, by all means, stuff yourself.
But the last thing you want to do is ask that auntie sitting next to you if she likes her steak bloody or bloody dry. She just might run away crying.
Instead, DO enjoy the delicious vegetarian foods South Asians are known to make. If you’re going to go vegetarian in any culture, do it South Asian style. And if you’re still hankering for meat, head to the In ‘n Out, after the wedding is over. We won’t judge you.
9. NEVER EVER wear black
via Spooktacular on Halloween.
You would think this one would be obvious because it is an Indian wedding. And when have you ever seen South Asians dress somberly? Unless the families really hate each, but that is another story.
It is easy to convince yourself that black is slimming and sexy. When it has pretty sequins of gold and silver, a black sari is actually pretty flashy. I mean this model is stunning, like a Desi Catwoman. But chances are, it won’t really fly when you get to the event itself.
According to my mom and her huge encyclopedia of Indian taboos, wearing black to a wedding is bad luck. I’ve even had an uncle who was told to change by the pandit because he wore a black nehru jacket to his own wedding. So unless you know the wedding is going to be offbeat, or the couple wants you to wear black, skip the color.
DO get in touch with your inner peacock. Desi looks are all about flash and happy colors. Dress accordingly.
And lastly,
10. NEVER EVER be a wallflower
First, it’s boring. Second, there will be at least one swaying uncle who will try to get you out of your seat to dance (whether you’re male or female). Resistance is futile.
We might like statues when it comes to deities, but we certainly don’t want our guests to be them.
DO get up and dance. There really is no point going to a South Asian wedding if you are not going to partake in our favorite tradition. I mean, when else do you get to do a dance that looks like you’re changing a lightbulb?
Mingle and talk to people. Honestly everyone is your friend at a Desi do (the bar is open and people are always looking for more LinkedIn connections).
Well, I hope you enjoyed this list. Are there any never ever’s you would add?
haha. i couldn’t stop laughing. thanks for the tips!
You have generalized the South Asian wedding. You must realize that India is a land of several regions, cultures, customs and practices. For example, you would be writing entirely differently on a Hindu South Indian wedding. A Hindu wedding in the states of Maharashtra or Gujarat (Western India) would again give you an idea of how different weddings are conducted by natives of different states of India.
Your articles would make more interesting reading if you could highlight on weddings in each state of India. For example, booze is a taboo at a non-North Indian wedding. Also, non-vegetarian lunch is not permitted at South Indian or even Maharashtrian wedding functions, though it may be allowed at a few receptions (again as a custom and tradition it is not permitted as a wedding is supposed to be a divine, religious function), as the guests are now cosmopolitan.
Further, there is no dance at say, a South Indian wedding. Also, here, the wedding rituals in the states of Karnataka, Tamil Nadu and Andhra Pradesh start early in the morning and last more than half the day. However, in the state of Kerala, the wedding ritual is over within five minutes.
You would do a great service to people if you could research into and write about these aspects of Indian weddings.