18 Things You Need to Know About Indian Weddings
I was thinking about all the fun/crazy/pretty/crazy/insert-adjective-here elements of a wedding, and I came up with a list. Now, this list might be a bit crude and is not totally politically correct. But, don't be offended, it's meant to make you laugh. And don't be terrified either, you will love Indian weddings as a guest. Trust me.
And when I say Indian weddings, you can pretty much substitute this for Pakistani weddings, Sri Lankan weddings, or any South Asian wedding in general. We are all a bunch of awesome folks hanging out on the subcontinent of Asia.
- There is so much food, your eyeballs might explode. Prepare to loosen that drawstring on your salwar and open those belt holes a bit. You don't stand a chance against those food stalls of deliciousness. Biryani? Check. Gulab Jamun? Check. Pizza? Check. Samosas? Check. Dosas? Check. High cholesterol. Check, check.
- You always think planning a wedding is hard. Then you go to a five day Indian wedding and realize planning a five hour event for one day is a piece of cake.
- There are lots of people at an Indian wedding. Like so many people, you might think a mosh will start. There may even be elephants or peacocks or horses. Try not to confuse the wedding with a zoo.
- Do not expose your boobs or any part thereof. Keep an eye on your boobs at all times. They tend to attract unwanted attention of creepy uncles and snickering aunties. Boobs should be stored safely in a bra and high cut top.
- Whatever the posted time is for an event, add one hour. Or two, or three hours. Functions rarely start on time. Unless it is Mururth (the official time a couple gets married), that you don't fuck up.
- Go big or go home. Indian women wear their finest at weddings. You won't see a shortage of gold. You can expect an Indian wedding to be the place for the world's largest gold exposition, minus the selling part. So don't feel bad about those cubic zirconia (American diamond) earrings you're wearing, no one will notice you. Okay, feel bad.
- As a guest to the wedding, you will know two people: the bride and the groom. If you are lucky, you may know the bride's parents or the groom's. If you ARE the bride or groom, you will know four people at the wedding: the person you're marrying, his/her parents, and yourself. Scratch that. You might not even know the person you are marrying.
- There is no queue when it comes to food. It is a mass stampede only survived by the strongest and most fearsome veteran wedding goers. If you must stand in a queue, please go stand in a corner.
- When you give a gift of money (or gift certificates), add $1 to the amount. So give $51, $101, $151... Odd numbers ending in one are auspicious. Why? Because it is.
- There is no such thing as being too colorful at an Indian wedding; unless you wear a Grateful Dead shirt.
- Indian weddings, like most South Asian weddings, are about the family. If you think it's about the couple, you are at the wrong wedding.
- Some families, those with so much money they mint their own $10,000 bills, think helicopters and Rolles Royces are appropriate wedding presents. But they will still serve you food on styrofoam plates with plastic utensils. Don't be offended, they sure aren't.
- Seriously, please control your boobage and cleavage at all times. We don't want to talk shit behind your back unless we have to.
- Wedding crashing in India is a perfectly acceptable way to feed yourself if you are too lazy too cook and too excited to get dressed on the town.
- Never let your guard down and inform people you are single if you are: 1. a woman; 2. over thirty. People will think either something is wrong in your head, or that you are a serial killer.
- If you are: a woman, single, and under 30, you will be married by the end of the wedding events. Finding you a mate will be the mission of every auntie and girl present. If you are concerned that you might not know the groom, see point 7.
- During the wedding ceremony, which can last up to four hours, it is perfectly acceptable to leave, have a cup of chai, eat snacks, and socialize. Instead of boring yourself, Indians have figured out how to optimize a lot of time with everyone's favorite activities: food, drinks, gossip. It is probably the only time Indians have optimized and utilized the time wisely.
- Have fun. Seriously have fun. Don't worry about what this list tells you. Indian weddings are insanely fun and the best thing you will do all year long. Feel free to be melancholic that your culture isn't as awesome.