There are some things that only South Asian brides do. To your friend who isn’t desi, they will probably think you are crazy. Or maybe your friend is just as crazy too.
Despite all the planning, to negotiating detentes between family members, and getting beautified for your wedding day, you know you are a desi bride when…
Bleaching your face and oiling your hair is Friday Night Highlight – That’s right, we brown girls love our Jolen bleach cream and that giant blue bottle of coconut hair. I mean, who doesn’t love a bride with a moustache and horse hair?
And don’t I look sexy!
Hairless arms are the norm – Obviously, pffft! Who leaves hair on their arm these days? Okay, only Indian women have an obsession with waxing all the hair off your arm. I get it, it makes applying mehndi a lot easier than dealing with Queen Kong. But really, I prefer a little bit of hair on my arms to know I am still human and not a plastic Barbie doll.
Wearing a garter is weird – You can wear that garter (the little lace ruffle cuff worn by brides near their thigh under the dress), but having your husband take it off in front of all those aunties and uncles is just awkward. Especially if your husband uses his mouth to take it off (double weird). There are some things eyeballs do not need to see; this is one of them.
Aunties squeeze your face until you become Rudolph – You don’t need to wear blush as a bride at your friends. You just need your aunties. They will squeeze your face so hard , your cheeks will look like it withstood a -40ºC snowstorm. Add some powder foundation and you’re good to go!
Your outfit and jewelry are worth bench pressing – Drooling at all those pretty wedding outfits? Do you know how much that Falguni & Shane Peacock lengha weighs? Do you?! It’s 20lbs. 20 freaking pounds. And don’t forget that jewelry, that’s another 5 pounds. The next time your friend complains that she needs to go to the gym, tell her to do curls with your wedding dress.
You spend four grueling hours getting primped – for one event – Only to find out that after the wedding, you have to do it ALL OVER AGAIN for your reception outfit. Wait, why did I think wearing another 30 pounds of clothes and spending 8 hours of my wedding day getting dress was a good idea?
That’s right, because I look fabtabulous.
The wedding starts without you – In most Hindu weddings, the groom’s side begins the wedding poojas. In Muslim weddings at the mosque, the bride is separated from the groom, during the readings. This just means that when you do make an entrance to see everyone, you can MAKE AN ENTRANCE worthy of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.
You feel like a disco ball – With all the glittering jewelry, the shimmering of the crystals on the dress, and camera flash bursts, you will be your own light source capable of lighting up Times Square on New Year’s Eve.
You get to buy more than one wedding dress – You think wedding dress shopping for one dress, one pair of shoes, one set of earrings, and one necklace is blood curdling awful? Do that five times and you’ll know what a desi bride. Of course the advantage is that you get FIVE DRESSES, FIVE sets of SHOES, and TONS OF PRETTY SHINY THINGS. Mmmmmmm, pretty, shiny things. My precious…
Your wedding jewelry costs more than your college education – What’s education for anyway? Job security? Income? Improved economic mobility? Sissies. You should spending that money on gold! Because no gold, no wedding.
{seriously, go get that badass law, medical, or engineering degree ladies}
It takes five friends to help you pee – After applying mehndi past your elbows and up to your knees, you are immobilized for several hours. Take advantage of this time and have your friends feed you, paint your nails, and most importantly, lift up that lengha skirt and help you pee.
Being a South Asian bride is intense but it is amazing. There are few times in your life when you can be a maharani. Savor it and be a dancing queen at your wedding!